April 17, 2010
octoberlovee
the weather’s rainy a day, sunny the next, hot another and cool yet another. unpredictable just like life ain’t it?
been listening to the radio quite often on bus rides, i like the feeling of listening to soapy love songs when im on the bus, especially when its rainy, the feeling is so sad yet so peaceful. sometimes i think i wouldn’t mind taking a long bus ride from 1 end to another, just listening to my favourite songs all the way.
maybe cos it puts me into a very reflective mood. happy lovey dovey songs make me feel blissful and thankful that i have friends and that special someone in my life, sad, hurt-filled songs make me feel scared, and i wonder if i would suddenly just lose everything overnight.
sometimes i dont understand myself, my thoughts, my actions, i always seem to do and say things that i regret the next moment. it probably isn’t human nature, its me.
i try to think of reasons why i react in a certain way, and sometimes it turns out that im just plain selfish and want things to go my way. my greatest fear in life is to be outcasted. it may be childish, but i hate the feeling. i’ve gone through it in the early part of my life and i hate it.
everytime i feel like something is going wrong, i want to run. i dont want to face it. im just a coward, yes i know. sometimes i feel like i want to commit, sometimes i feel like if i commit, i’ll end up in a tragic ending, and i dont want that.
this has nothing to do with how everybody that cares for me treats me. they’re great, absolutely perfect in their own ways, i appreciate all that they’ve done for me in whatever ways they have. i know the problem is me.
when i was a kid, i wished i was the popular one, the one everyone wanted to talk to, the one everybody would want to have at their parties. i never became that kid. now, i see myself trying to be a nobody, giving up on making new friends and just crawling back into a shell.
i get frustrated over nothing, feel like i’ve been neglected when im the one who has been giving the attitude and neglecting others. many times i just want to cry.
deep inside, everybody is afraid of losing the ones they care about. 40 years from now, no, maybe just 5 years from now, who will still remain to be the constants in my life? all the forever friendship in secondary school but it turned out, people i trusted left me.
but im lucky, because i met true friends in jc. (:
sometimes i think im too over possessive. im so scared of losing that i hold on so tightly till theres no space left. then maybe i’ll end up suffocating myself one day.
when everything in your life becomes a habit, you start to wonder if its cos you really want it to be in your life or if its just a habit that you never cared for.
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1.
stoprunningaway |
May 19, 2010 at 12:25 pm
i dont promise to be your constant. but i hope that as i strive to be one of yr constants, u’re in with me too (:
2.
boon |
April 20, 2010 at 11:04 pm
boooo!